• Clay Jacobs

Pres. Biden promotes Colonel Sanders to Chief of Military

Updated: May 21



After weeks of deliberation, U.S. President Joe Biden (D) finally announced that the Chief of Military Operations position will be handed over to none other than Colonel Sanders.


Sanders, who holds 69 years of experience in fried chicken, will swear into the position

this upcoming Monday.


“After much thought and consideration from myself and my advisors, it’s been decided

that Colonel Sanders is the most desirable candidate for this role,” stated Biden in a press conference earlier this afternoon.


“Chicken is war, and drumsticks are gravy. Sweet, sweet gravy,” said Biden. “The

friedness, and the, um, the, the thing... it just all makes sense to me. He’s the man for

the job.”


Although Sanders won the nomination for the role, other candidates included Aunt

Jemima (for “her playing an unequivocal role in the success of the Underground

Railroad,” as stated by Biden) and Chuck E. Cheese.


“I hear that Chuck guy is great with kids,” mentioned Biden.