As a result of the lackluster performance from his team this season, McMurphy has been terminated effective immediately.

“I asked for 'fish and chips,' stated Worthington. “I have absolutely no idea what was said in return."

“Now listen, me stockpiling toilet paper and other “ass-sentials” should be the least of your concerns regarding the shortage."

Biden: “The friedness, and the, um, the, the thing... it just all makes sense to me. He’s the man for the job.”

Coming off a recent stint as a Papa John's pizza delivery man, 2006 Person of the Year Jimmy Rickets is seeking new employment.